It's All In Your Head
by EmilieHenderson99
Summary: It's all in his head, but he just can't seem to shake it. It's all in his head, yet he still feels awful, as if it were to be a real thing. It's all in his head, but he still allows those monsters to eat away at him and make him feel more and more worthless as the time passes by. It's all in his head; making it even more of a struggle.


**So, lately something's been on my mind and it's really been bothering me. Today, though, sorta set me off and it's inspired this story.**

**Apparently someone photoshopped a picture of Carlos' face onto a fat body (or something along that line, honestly not sure). Naturally a ton of Rushers began to defend Carlos, like they should, because the picture wasn't funny at all. I'm just glad Carlos wasn't offended by it. **

**What really bothered me, though, was how people started dragging Logan into in such a hurtful way. I saw at least THREE tweets on my timeline that said stuff like "Carlos is not fat! But Logan on the other hand..." and a few that were like "Logan's the fat one, guys!" **

**Not sure if I'm the only one who remembers this, or saw this...but Matt Walker, Glickman's friend, tweeted while the guys were filming Season 3 and said that Logan wanted to lose weight before recording a shirtless scene. So, he clearly is (or at least was at one point) conscious of his body. **

**I'm kinda shocked that Rushers, of all the people, would be the ones to call Logan fat. I don't care if it's a joke; it's rude and it's mean. At least I can sorta kinda see why people would find it fun to call him a whore, maybe they think it sounds "sexy" or whatever...but fat? Really? What pleasure do you find in that, other than making Logan feel bad about himself? How would you feel if your own fans were calling you fat?! It's just nasty and it really made me angry to see people say that.**

**I don't understand why Rushers like to put down the guys with their jokes; not just Logan...but all of them! I could never do that and feel okay afterwards!**

**Anyways; this story is related to what people have called Logan and I'm touching upon something more serious than my usual "stomach bug" or "cold" kinda "sickfic" topic. I've wanted to write about an eating disorder in the past, but I don't really have much knowledge on them because luckily none of my friends, or myself have been affected by an eating disorder...so I apologise if this isn't how they really are...**

Logan lifted his sweater up slowly and cringed at the sight he saw in the mirror. A big round stomach stuck out in his mind, but in reality, his reflection showed a perfectly healthy teen. He couldn't see that, though. Never. It frustrated him, because he just wanted to be skinny so badly, but if he kept up with his habits any longer, he knew it'd seriously hurt him in the long run; so he tried to stop...but every time he saw his reflection, it dragged him right back to square one. It was like a continuous cycle. He'd eat; throw up, feel good about his image, but bad about what he was doing to himself, which would only lead to more self-doubt, etc, etc, etc...it really never did end, did it?

Things got worse when he decided to start a Twitter like his friends had done. It opened him up to a much bigger and meaner world; one that was filled with hate, but not the kind that you could just ignore. The kind that just lingers there forever...it can't be erased and it just eats away at you. The first tweet that hit him like that was one that said "Oh, yeah...I like BTR, just not Logan; he's so fat!" All day and night for weeks, those words were tattooed to the inside of his mind.

The raven-haired-teen glanced at his dinner plate nervously. He really didn't want to eat, but he knew that if he didn't, his friends would get on him again about how "unhealthy" it was. He began to drift into his own little world while he nudged the food lightly with his fork. He picked up some of the broccoli, putting it into his mouth, and hoping so desperately that it'd draw the attention away from how he was trying to avoid the food at all costs.

_I can always just puke it back up when I'm done. They'll never know, right? That way I'll lose weight and maybe I can be happy with how I look for onc-_

His thoughts were cut off when Kendall eyed him suspiciously and asked, "Why aren't you eating."

Logan knew very well that Kendall was onto him, I mean...they shared a room right next to the bathroom; he must've heard him being sick at least once before, and noticed his lack of eating too. He really didn't want the blonde to know, or any of his friends actually. He'd be too embarrassed; nobody could know what he did.

"I'm just...really tired." Logan sighed, getting up and putting his dish into the fridge, "Maybe I'll eat later. I'm going to take a nap first, though."

Kendall narrowed his eyebrows and watched as the skittish teen shuffled off to his bedroom to take a "nap", although he knew that obviously wasn't the case. He didn't know what Logan was going to do, but he knew it couldn't be good, that was for sure.

* * *

"Okay, so Logan's hiding something from us...again!" James rolled his eyes; not from anger, but from disappointment. He just wanted his friend to be okay, but he knew it'd never happen unless he chose to finally open up to them.

"I don't know what it is this time, though. I mean...he just seems really depressed, but it has to be more than that, right?" Carlos added.

"Well...he also hasn't been eating very much and I think I heard him being sick the other night." Kendall replied, "Do you think he has an eating disorder and he'd not telling us?"

"I think so; did you know that some of the fans are calling him fat now. Maybe that sparked it..." James figured.

"It probably did! But why does he believe them?! Logan's clearly the thinnest of us...and not in a good way. He looks really sick. I feel so bad." Carlos was baffled by how Logan let the hate get to him.

"We all know how insecure he is; that didn't help, I'm sure."

"I know."

"Onto more important things...how do we help?"

Kendall frowned, "I really don't know. We need him to admit to what he's doing first."

"Yup, then from there, we can all thing of a way to make him feel better and stop with this habit." James and Carlos agreed.

* * *

The brunette couldn't even hold back the tears this time. The second his back was turned to his friends, he let them spill from his cocoa coloured eyes and sniffled, wanting to just scream and burst into sobs. He felt as if he'd be this sad an ashamed with himself forever; it didn't seem like it'd ever go away and leave him alone for once.

He opened the door to the bathroom, his hands becoming shaky and bead of sweat joining the tears on his face. He dropped down in front of the toilet and took a deep breath, trying to steady his breathing. Maybe he would be fine...maybe he didn't have to do this. Those thoughts made him feel warm and content, but they only lasted about a minute. He glanced down at his belly and ran his fingers over the cardigan-clad skin, causing him to spit out a strangled cry. Why did he have to look so terrible?

He stuck his hand into his mouth and then to his throat, causing his stomach to flip flop and heave. He dunked his head in shame and vomited what he had eaten that day, which wasn't that much to begin with. He felt anger now; looking up at his reflection in the mirror across the room. Now he was beginning to realise that this was a mental thing. He saw how skinny and sickly he looked, but he couldn't shake the image of a fat, worthless, and ugly him that laid in the back of his brain. The sad part, though? He didn't even have his fans to lean back on...they thought he was overweight too. That part only made things worse.

"I am fat then...if people who love me say I'm fat, then I have to be. I'm letting them down...I can't look like this." He said to himself, bringing his hand back into his mouth and causing his tiny body to quiver and throw up again. This time it really hurt...there was nothing left in his gut, and even with the thought of how awful it'd be for his health present in his mind, he knew he'd make himself puke again before leaving. It was the only way he could feel okay again.

He coughed and spit into the toilet, trying to get rid of the disgusting acidy taste in his mouth. He then sighed heavily and looked at himself again; but this time he saw a pale, underweight and terribly sad teenager. He looked beyond horrible; so sick and frail...but more than anything, alone, hopeless, and depressed.

"Logan!" He heard his three friends ask from outside the bathroom door, "Are you in there? You've been in there for 30 minutes, what's wrong?!"

"Go away." He growled, the tears coming back. If his friends saw him like this, they'd be so mad at him...they probably wouldn't like him too much either. And what if Gustavo found out? He's get kicked out of the band for sure.

"No...something clearly wrong. Tell us, or we're coming in to see for ourselves." Carlos threatened.

"NO!" Logan shrieked, mixed with violent sobs, "Don't c-come in...p-please! P-Please, I-I'm begging you, I-I really don't w-want you to see m-me like t-this."

"We aren't going to judge you, you do know that right?" James answered gently.

"I-I know, I-I'm j-just embarrassed."

"Don't be. Now let us in...we want to help." Kendall said softly.

"I don't need y-your help." He hissed. Seeing his beautiful and perfect friends would only make him feel worse about himself. It'd be like a constant reminder that he'd never be good enough. He just wanted to be alone at that moment.

"Yes you do, don't lie." Kendall replied.

Carlos began to twist the knob to the door and open it a crack, but Logan slammed it shut and freaked out completely, yelling and sputtering.

"I said g-go away! JUST GO AWAY!"

Carlos ignored the pleads and managed to push through the doorway and to where Logan was sitting; James and Kendall followed cautiously. There sat a tiny Logan in the corner of the bathroom, curled in on himself, hugging his boney knees to his chest. He sniffled and whimpered, burring his head into his legs.

"I look awful, I know." He mumbled through the fabric.

The three teens froze, though. Logan had taken off his big sweater, and now you could actually see what he looked liked. He was so sick and malnourished that it brought tears to their eyes; how did they not notice how badly he was struggling earlier, they could've prevented this?!

James was the first to approach their friend; he placed a hand to the teen's shoulder and sighed sympathetically, "What the hell were you thinking, buddy?" He asked sadly.

"I was thinking that if I was skinny then people would love me..." He whispered under his breath, looking up now to see his friends, "I'm really sorry, I...I'm a mess...and..."

"Shh." Carlos hushed, and joined James on the floor next to the youngest of the three, "Tell us what's wrong, please. We want to fix this."

"I'm so fat." Logan pouted, "Don't lie to me and tell me that I'm not."

"Logan." Kendall called out, now sitting next to the boy, "Look at yourself! You're not fat at all, who told you that you were?!"

"A-A...l-lot of fans o-on Twitter said I-I was. But I felt bad about my image before t-that too..." He explained, "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise. We just want you to be okay, Logie." Kendall pulled his friend onto his lap and ran his fingers through his hair gently; the two always did have a close bond like that. Logan nuzzled his head into the blonde's chest and let the warmth from Kendall's body keep his smaller, shivering one, warmer.

"I know we can sit here and tell you that you're perfect and beautiful, but that's not going to help...even when it's true." James began, "But we are going to get you the help that you need and we're going to get through this...together. All four of us."

"James is 100% correct. There's no more just Logan; we're a team now." Carlos nodded.

"Thank you." Logan said in a small voice, "Thank you so much...you guys mean the world to me, you really do. I don't know what I'd do without you and...I-I'm just so lucky and thankful to have you as my friends."

"And we're lucky to have you, Logie-Bear...the luckiest guys in the world."

"Why?" He asked honestly, "Why would you be lucky to have me?"

"Because, no matter how badly you feel about yourself, you're wrong...because in our eyes, and everyone else's...you're absolutely amazing." The three beamed, placing kisses onto their younger friend's forehead, because hey...what says true love more than a kiss to the forehead? :)

**Again, sorry if any facts were incorrect, and thank you for reading too. **

**Also, if you are struggling with an eating disorder, or anything along that line for that matter...I'm always around by PM and I WILL listen to you no matter what. Don't be afraid to reach out; I love ALL of you guys so much :)**

**xoxo**

**~EMiLiE**


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